This post is going to be extremely different than my usual ones. Today I am on bed rest due to a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome relapse. As I lay in bed, hyper aware of the pain surging through me and the weakness weighing down my limbs, I can’t help but think about the oh so many people that are convinced that CFS/ME is not a real disease.
I try so hard to be a positive person, and most days I succeed. But days such as these are a struggle in every way, and to struggle physically and mentally while constantly being reminded that many people think I’m faking it is a little more than I can take at the moment. Even typing this out is painful, yet I feared if I didn’t I would simply burst from it overtaking my mind.
I don’t understand why would people think I want to pretend to be the way I am. I’m baffled that they do not realize I spend so much time wishing myself into oblivion, wishing my life was different. Why do they think I’d rather stay in bed then work, or have fun, or deal with the billions of things I have to take care of? I’d chose your 40 hour work week over my plethora of chronic illness faster than a single beat of my heart. But I’d doubt you’d want to trade.
Often I dream of a magic serum I could invent, where I could inject someone with my illnesses so that for just one day, they would truly understand what it is like to be chronically ill. Not to cause them equal pain, but to open their eyes and obliterate their ignorance. I just want to be believed in and supported. Is it really too much to ask to stop being called a drama queen, a victimizer and a liar while battling my health?
I’m so tired of having to prove my sickness. Chronic illness isn’t all of who I am; but it is a part of my life that should be acknowledged and believed in. I want to be loved for who I am as a whole, not only what I can or can not do. I’m utterly exhausted of trying to prove myself in every single way, whether it is to prove I can overcome my sicknesses some days, or to prove that I have them at all. Either way, I am doubted.
Please. Listen. Please.