Eleanore Vs. My Shot

Dearest warriors,

A few days ago my darling friend Nat posted a song to their Facebook called “My Shot” from the musical Hamilton. I haven’t seen the musical, in fact I didn’t even really know what it was about except obviously it had something to do with Abe Lincoln (I’m kidding, don’t hurt me). I pressed play and immediately found myself captivated; the song injected my soul with the fervor of a true revolution.

The song itself is about our country’s past history, and as someone who fell asleep during every history class ever you’d think I would not be so entranced by it. But I found emotions swirling inside me as the chorus exploded out of my speakers:

I am not throwing away my shot.
I am not throwing away my shot.
I’m just like my country,
I’m young, scrappy and hungry,
And I’m not throwing away my shot.

The fire of it all caused my heart to swell with pure energy.

That energy lead me to assess my own personal obstacles. My health, my desperate need for a stable home and stable income, and the uncertainty of my future. Each of my current trials popped into my mind like fireworks quickly fading just before the next thought was to appear.

Thinking about my problems usually causes me to fall short of breath and become overwhelmed by anxiety, however this morning as they appeared and disappeared while I listened to the cast of Hamilton singing, “rise up!” I felt a surge inside me that said, “rise up. You can do this.” There are millions of people in the world who have overcome tremendous suffering. I am taken aback when I think of all that humans have endured and overcome, yet I often forget that I too am a human who has survived and fought to move forward despite that which has tried to hold me back. Many of us are- warriors come in all forms of human beings, and we don’t always recognize the strength of it whether it is in ourselves or in others. 

I fail to realize that where I am now is significantly improved from where I had come from despite my life being far from how I feel it should be. I have found my way here not necessarily on my own, because I did have the help of many kind people, but I was carried forward by both others and my own resilience. I am not as healthy as I should be, and my health will always be a battle, but it is better than previous years. I have a few new friends who are some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever come across. Every day has been one of my shots to do with what I choose. Some shots have been extremely small while others have been monumental, but still it remains true that they all impact my life. 

The past year I have lost, but I have never felt more determined to create the life that I want. In a way I feel like I have more than before because for the first time I have some of the same drive and passion that “My Shot” so perfectly exemplifies.Well, I may not be anywhere near as badass as Alexander Hamilton. Realistically, I’m not even nearly as cool as the man that plays him  (and who wrote the musical) Lin-Manuel Miranda. But I have fought time and time again to come out of every bit of adversity that has come my way.

I have always been the queen of self-deprecation which never makes any situation better; but I believe it is time to realize that I deserve more self love. I want to teach myself that it is okay for me to make mistakes and that my mistakes don’t actually ruin everything as my anxiety would like to convince me. I want to love myself for every illness that sits underneath my skin and for every imperfection. I want to learn to be okay with being who I truly am as I continue to take my shots that I will sometimes miss. Even if I still fail, and I most certainly will fail, the fact that I still dare to strive towards a better life when there is so much that can potentially hold me back must mean something. It must mean something to me, along with my newfound passion for my life. My life has proved on more than one occasion that most of my goals will not come to me easily; therefore I will only succeed by courage and bravery, and by not throwing away my shots.

When you’re living on your knees, you rise up!
Tell your brother that he’s gotta rise up!
Tell your sister that she’s gotta rise up!

~My Shot- Hamilton the Musical

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