Dear packages of stardust,
My trip in Michigan has continued on which is currently my only problem with it. I realize that sounds odd, but so do most of the things I say and write. As I often reassure you, do not fret, for it will all make sense in the end.
I was raised primarily by my grandparents and with their home came countless stories of their lives. My grandfather would always end a tale with, “enjoy your life, because time goes by too fast.” During my childhood this phrase meant little to me, each day feeling endless, especially the horrible ones. I grew older and suddenly began to notice how my grandfather’s catch phrase resonated with me. Each day seemed to pass with a breath, and before I knew it, I had gone from child, to teenager, to a fully grown woman.
Yesterday I went to see Passengers with my friend and his father, and I had a lovely time. The movie itself deals with the concept of time and what one is supposed to do within the time they have been allotted. Naturally it set the circuits within my skull alight, and I spent the remainder of the day hanging out with ShawnEShawn while thinking far too much about time and how I’ve existed within it.
As the day went on I found myself feeling short of breath, exhausted from the anxiety that was beginning to envelop my mind. I started to obsess over the fact that my stay here in Michigan was more than halfway over even though it seemed as if I had just arrived, and soon enough I would be back home in St. Louis. Though I have made spectacular friends back in Missouri, I will be coming home to a new room full of boxes and a mattress without bedding. I’ll also be returning to my financial problems, my health problems, my endless fight with disability and every other struggle that has added to my own personal war.
After a few days of pleasant rest and adventuring about an unfamiliar place with a lovely friend, going back to life in St. Louis seems overwhelming to say the least. Being away I feel happier and healthier, whereas back in St. Louis fear, stress and uncertainty have become my unwelcome companions.
I am more than aware that running away from my problematic lot in St. Louis is not any way to deal with my life, though I’d be lying if I said it was not tempting. I was hoping that being removed from the madness would replenish me, but instead it has only made me more aware of the difficulties I have no choice to face, making me wish that I wouldn’t have to face them at all.
This morning I woke up early and my thoughts were instantly winding about my brain. When I wake up in this condition my impulse is to write because allowing them to overtake my mind never ends up well. As I wiggled free of my pile of blankets I considered the fact that regardless of where I would be living, I’d still be up against the majority of my battles. I’d still be chronically ill with little money, still would not have proper heath insurance and would not have a steady place to live nor a family to fall back on. As difficult as it is to admit, the reality is that these problems will follow me where ever I go, because for me, they are the challenges that come with being alive. They are the battles of my growth, education, failure and successes throughout my human life.
While this realization is full of truth and maturity, it doesn’t soften my anxiety or make returning home any less daunting. It is breathtaking how quickly not only my week here has gone by, but how quickly my entire life has. I have survived every terrible experience in my life just as every wonderful one has given me pleasure, all of them converging to incorporate themselves into one Eleanore Estelle (that’s me).
I have written before about time and my conflicts with it. I have always struggled with the fact that I have spent far too much of my life devoted to what has not truly made me happy, and I have been obligated to do things merely to survive rather than actually live and thrive. These realizations sit in my heart causing it to feel weighted. That being said, if there is one thing my trip to Walled Lake has brought to light, it is that upon my return, I intend to change all of this.
I cannot control how quickly time passes nor can I change how much time I am given. The only aspect I can control is what I do with my time and who I do it all with. I have come to the decision that if this is how life functions, then I will put all the energy I contain into making a life comprised of happiness and sincerity, as well into sharing it all with wonderful people that make me feel excited to be alive.
I do not believe in New Year’s Resolutions; I find them insincere and gimmicky, and I think that if one wants to make a positive change in their life, there is no sense in waiting until a new year begins. I like to think I make many resolutions and fulfill them throughout every year. However, a few weeks ago I expressed to my best friend that one thing I wish to become more content with is the unavoidable fact that everything ends.
I’ve come to understand that regardless of how I try to slow things down or stop them altogether, they will still happen. All good things will end, and the bad things will too, but just as The Doctor says, everything also begins again. A human life can so easily be wasted on avoidance, and for me, that is no longer an acceptable way to live.
She looks as if she’s blowing a kiss at me,
And suddenly the sky is a scissor.
Sitting on the floor with a tambourine,
Crushing up a bundle of love.
Don’t take it so personally,
You’re not the only one
That time has got it in for honey;
That’s where you’re wrong.