Disclaimer: This post was written on December 22 at 6:00 am. The timing of my posts may be off during my stay in Michigan.
It’s a real live Eleanore coming direct to you from the St. Louis airport!
I have not received my glasses yet and am still struggling with my vision, but since it is obscenely early in the morning my eyes are allowing me to see past the astigmatism haze for the moment. I have found that my vision worsens as the day goes on, but for now I am hoping it lasts long enough to write a decently sized post before my eye go all wibbly again. Friggin’ astigmatism.
So much has happened in my life and my mind is bursting with all the posts I am desperate to get out of my tingling fingers and onto a virtual page. In a matter of two weeks my life has changed dramatically and so many big and little things have happened, all of which have affected me tremendously as a whole. Since I will soon be finding myself in Michigan, though, there will mostly likely be a few mini posts about my trip before I start in on the rest of my life. But stayed tuned, because it’s going to get good.
For now I will put focus towards my current state, which is Missouri, in an airport, fighting a CFS relapse that has taken me over with a vengeance. Considering the last two weeks have been mentally and physically stressful and exhausting, I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually relapse; my only wish is that my disease would have been more polite and waited until after my trip to torture me.
Despite the abundance of pain and lack of sleep I am content sitting here in the airport, eating salty snacks to prepare my blood pressure for my plane ride. That’s the thing about orthostatic hypotension; it doesn’t like when I change from sitting to standing. Changing from land to air is significantly worse, however it does give me an excuse to snack as I please. While I would rather be less sick, the delicious silver lining helps a little.
I’m sure it is not surprising when I say despite my love for travel It is exhausting and difficult to prepare for. Anyone who has chronic illness knows that we must put even more thought and care into traveling than people already do. However, considering the fact that I rarely get the chance to travel anywhere, the fact that I even have the privilege to go on this adventure has me feeling elated and sparkly as can be.
For this privilege I have my dear friend ShawnEShawn to thank. After our acquaintance exploded into a spectacular friendship, he invited me to spend Christmas with his family in Michigan as I was not totally sure where I would be spending it were I to stay in St. Louis. It was a lovely offer, but of course my anxiety and PTSD were all screaming, “No! No! No! Something new? traveling to the unknown? That’s far too terrifying! Get back in your bed and hide in a blanket burrito this instant before we explode your insides!” So, after that mental clusterfuck I politely declined and recoiled back into my Sarlacc pit of blankets and pillows. Spoiler alert: I am the blanket Sarlacc.
Fortunately, ShawnEShawn is a particularly persistent human being in the very best of ways, and he kept encouraging me to come, unrelenting in his kindness. Still I was resistant thinking of all 4594i40409649059o45095 things that could absolutely go wrong with my health, my travel, and my everything. Are there some letters in there? Probably. Well, that just goes to show you how my mind was malfunctioning.
One of the most annoying traits I have caused by PTSD and my anxiety disorder is that I am in constant need of repeated affirmation. I not only need it repeated by the same people, but I need it from multiple people. While ShawnEShawn was extremely convincing and reassuring, my odd mind did not think it was enough. So I talked to my best friend. And my social worker. Aaaaand my counselor. Aaaaaaaaaaand my landlord, Mark, who knows everything there is to know about anything (at least, so it seems). Finally, at around 6p.m in a basement, Mark and I decided it would be a spectacular opportunity for me, and there weren’t any logical reasons for me to refuse it.
I promptly went upstairs, called ShawnEShawn, and not a few hours later my flight was confirmed. Now here I sit creepily people watching as I groggily type out my words in my Pages app because apparently this airport no longer has free WiFi. Like what the fuck is that shit about exactly? Anyway. I digress.
By the time I am able to post this I will hopefully be inside Walled Lake, Michigan. I am excited to see what a new place is like and especially looking forward to the prospect of a nap, because waking up at 4:30 in the morning is NOT the business, as the cool kids say. This post may not be eloquent, but at this early in the morning, I’m thankful I can put together cohesive sentences at all. At least…I think I have; editing later on may prove me wrong.
To infinity…and beyond!
~Don’t act like you don’t know where that’s from.