Pictured above, Hayley Williams and Chad Gilbert. One of my favorite famous couples.
Dear readers who I find so endearing,
It’s not particularly surprising that since my break up the subspace in my mind has been overwhelmed with a profusion of thoughts about love. Growing up listening to pop-punk bands such as Green Day, Blink-182, Sugarcult and New Found glory, the romanticizing of a young, exciting, misfit sort of love really got a grasp on my heart. Unfortunately, while I dappled in excitement and misfit ways as a teen, I never truly got to enjoy my high school years as much as I had hoped. When I was 15, my health started its decline, and by 18 I was nearly dead yet unable to figure out why I was so zombiesque. Chronic illness, anaphylaxis and the rest of my health issues really took the fun out of being young, wild and free. Now at 26, I often catch myself saddened by the fact that it seems the universe robbed me of the last of my teen years, including my ideal misfit love.
Out of the several boyfriends I have had, I’ve only had two boyfriends who even got remotely close to the kind of love I always dreamt of. Here I find myself in my late 20’s, wondering if I’ll ever have my ideal misfit love, let alone someone who can withstand all the craziness that comes with being chronically ill. I suppose only the future will tell.
Frequently I fight to suppress my daydreams, trying to convince myself that rather than doting over my lost ideas I should be focusing on my present and future; after all I’ve never been one to pity myself or hold a grudge. Every now and then though, especially during the most challenging levels of my life, it’s a bit more haunting, and significantly harder to release. So my mind and heart run off to frolic in daydreams, leaving the rest of me behind.
This morning I was trying to take a nap, but the idea of writing this post was keeping me conscious. My mind circled around the ideas of my misfit love, my past experiences, and everything related. After an hour of flopping about my bed like a drunken blanket burrito, I finally gave up, and began to click my thoughts into this post. I’m sleepy and a little nauseated, yet surprisingly okay with my brain keeping me up, as it has brought me to a wonderful realization.
It’s true that now I’m older and chronically ill there are some things I simply cannot do. I can’t stay awake every single night until three in the morning and I don’t think my spine could take having sex in cars or on basement floors, nor can I run off without considering how I’ll deal with food or medical needs. Whether or not I want to admit it, I’m simply different now and have a few more restrictions placed upon me. However, when I think about my misfit love, I realize that I actually still can have the most enticing parts of it . I can still go to concerts, embark on adventures, stargaze (and trespass once in a while), have some level of spontaneity, and go to the store at 2a.m for ice-cream and pizza. I can still have a relationship full of silliness, adventure and excitement, all while being grown up and perpetually sick. I just have to plan my chaos.
On top of a misfit love, now that I’m older, I also find myself wanting a relationship that’s mature, thoughtful, supportive and brilliant. Those attributes are what I require in my life, and I’ve become more adamant about it as time has gone by. I need a love that I can count on and that I can rest assured won’t be completely be uprooted once life gets difficult. My life is constantly full of spur of the moment obstacles, emergencies and plan changes; what I want more than anything is someone who sticks by me not just physically, but whose heart beats alongside my own. One knows how to communicate with and support me in the most important ways. I never wanted a perfect love or someone who fights for me; I need a fitting, timeless love with someone who fights beside me.
While I may not be able to ever have the Blink-182 sort of teenage romance, I can have something even better than what I had imagined. I’ve come to the conclusion that while I want parts of a young, misfit love, what I want ultimately is a timeless one. One that regardless of what age I am or what is happening within my life or around us, is able to survive and still find comfort in togetherness. One in which we excite and drive one another. That sounds really good. Forget that… I’m a wannabe writer! That all sounds marvelous.
I look forward to marvelous, whenever and wherever it may greet me .
It’s a cry from the past we have been through a lot,
Every year has been great, and a few have been tough.
And your kids they will reach for the stars up above,
We’ll sit and relax as we’re cheering them on.
The ropes to the light from the crib to the grave,
We started alone, in the end we’re okay.