Dear sentient soft things I can only assume are humans,
I’ve spent most of my day asleep. Before that, I spent most of the weekend in terrible pain. The last few days I’ve been abnormally weak and exhausted (abnormal for my personal state, that is, since everything about me is abnormal compared to average), and my body is overtaken by the sensation that there are razorblades in between every one of my joints. It’s difficult for me to concentrate, my limbs feel like jello, and I’m completely depleted of my general being. When I do sleep, I only feel a teensy bit better. On top of all that, I have body aches, sniffles, and everything that points to either a cold or flu. I’ve had periods like this before, but I’m only now beginning to understand that these episodes aren’t just random. They are Chronic Fatigue Syndrome relapses. According to the internet, they can last anywhere from a few days to a few months.
There isn’t really an ideal way to handle a relapse, and it seems that most aren’t even sure as to what causes them. At best, it is suggested that a person rests as much as possible and takes some extra B12. So, I’m left to feeling much like a zombie, trudging my way through my symptoms alone.
I try to do everything I can in order to prevent myself from sleeping my life away. However, when you’re chronically ill with a bazillion conditions including Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, you haven’t got much of a choice. Fighting sleep only makes me feel more unwell, and the entire situation altogether makes me feel like my body is shutting down. I have to sleep.
When I lived with my abusive family I was constantly ridiculed and patronized because of my need to sleep or stay bedridden for my own wellbeing. “I wish I had time to lay in bed all day,” was a favorite insult of theirs, to which I always thought back , “is that so? Do you also wish your had lightning and razorblades stuck in your spine and joints? Do you wish you were chronically nauseated? Do you wish your body felt like it couldn’t function properly and your limbs weighed a ton each? I’d rather have a healthy body and be busy than be chronically ill in bed.” Less eloquently, I’d also usually think, “go fuck yourselves!” These condescending phrases infuriated me; but only for so long because after a while, even being angry is too much work when I am this sick.
I’m especially aggravated by the fact that when I was diagnosed earlier this year, the doctor told me I was positive for the syndrome, told me that it will come and go, and that was it. I got absolutely not information or assistance in dealing with this illness, so all of my knowledge has come from either personal experience or from inputting information into the Magic Googly Machine. I’m not even sure what sort of doctor I would need to see in order to get more help for this syndrome, or if they’d help at all. Though, I suppose that since I have no money or health insurance, I shouldn’t worry about it for the time being.
This post is going to be far shorter than my usual just for the sake of exhaustion. I did write a longer post about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome a while back which you can read here, just click the blue! For now, I suppose I just wanted to share what it is like to be in the midst of CFS relapse. In summation- it totally blows.
If you suffer from CFS like I do, how do you handle relapse? Have you found any way to deal with it besides just sleeping through it all? Let me know in the comments!
~Eleanore – Sickly Stardust (okay yes that’s me and sort of cheating but I am so tired).