Dear humans of every kind and some robots as well,
I have been wanting to write for a week and I have written four half pieces of four different blogs, yet every time writer’s block rears its ugly head. Well, since writer’s block isn’t a tangible thing I’m honestly not sure what it looks like…but I think it’s safe to assume it’s unattractive on many levels.
Tonight in my Benadryl induced haze I finally decided to give up on my usual form and inspired by a post by Laura, also known as RibbonRX, I decided to post about all the messy fragments in my mind. (Also, if you haven’t seen RibbonRX, you should. Laura is a ridiculously lovely and brave human being who is currently recovering from brain surgery, and I bet more followers would make her feel better. Click the blue here to be transported to her site after!).
Let the scrambles run wild.
First off, this week has been absolutely dreadful and complex in every possible way. I am still recovering from my Emergency Room visit, and a massive life change happened not long after. I can’t talk about that currently, but it certainly has exhausted me down to my soul. It’s going to make my life difficult for a while, but I do think it’s for the best. The best things to do aren’t always the easiest.
Due to this change as well as the rest of my existence, I’ve been contemplating one big question: What does it mean to be Eleanore? I haven’t thought of many good answers to that yet, but I’m working on it. When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
On a completely different note, I am extremely pleased with Panic! At the Disco for coming out with a new song called L.A Devotee. I was born and raised in California, and there are endless wonderful qualities about it. But it isn’t the only great place, and there’s many negative aspects of it as well. The constant romanticizing of my home state in the media got old about 15 years ago. This new song actually highlights the less fabulous qualities of California, and I’m just elated that a popular band decided to go a different direction for once. I mean, really, how many fucking songs can we have about California?!
I also made a new friend recently named Shawn, and he’s wonderful. Today he asked me how many states I had visited and I thought my answer would be awfully anticlimactic. To my surprise, I had been to more than I thought I had! I have been inside: Colorado, California, Missouri, Illinois, Hawaii, Nevada, Oregon, and Florida. This personal surprise got me thinking about how I and many others often under-appreciate what we have done, or feel that we are never enough. I will be writing about that in full later. Hopefully.
Al the craziness in my life lately has made me think about the fact that for most of my life I have felt like a space invader. I have always felt like a intrusion in the lives of the people I love, no matter how good life seems to be. It seems I don’t really belong where I am and even when I fit into the puzzle almost right, it’s always just that; almost right. Moreover, this lead me to ponder about how those who are chronically ill carry a massive load of guilt simply because we exist. I’d like to make the argument that this is completely unfair, and that we deserve better than this. Once again, I’ll be writing about this in full later.
My life currently is messy, confusing and very much “up in the air.” I’m not sure about anything at all, and my existence is just as scattered and incomprehensible as this post. But you know what? Sometimes it’s alright to be scattered. Sometimes, we have to be okay with not making sense. I’m not okay with it right now; but I’m going to have to be.
Wonderful readers, what are your current scattered thoughts? What sort of things are bouncing about your mind? Please share with me in the comments! No judgement here; Just curiousity and love.
And remember, Don’t Panic!
The black magic of Mulholland Drive,
Swimming pools under desert skies,
Drinking white wine in the blushing light,
Just another LA Devotee.
Sunsets on the evil eye,
Invisible to the Hollywood shrine,
Always on the hunt for a little more time,
Just another LA Devotee.
~L.A Devotee – Panic! at the Disco (This video is a little creepy but I love it. Will Byers gets brainwashed!)