Eleanore Vs. Broken Pieces of a Whole

Darling whole readers who are not Reeses’ Pieces (what gives Reese the right to claim all the peanut butter candy, anyway? Greedy bastard),

It’s really sad how much I can relate to this Pikachu right now.

My life is so much…muchness. Every now and then I find myself looking back at everything I have been through in my 25 years, and I think, “wow, that’s an awful lot in a very small amount of time.” I’ve been deemed an “old soul” by dozens of people, and most days I feel it, but I can’t seem to figure out if my life has always been this difficult and I just feel it more on certain days compared to others, or if some parts of my life, such as the one I am currently experiencing, are truly worse than the majority.  I suppose in the end it doesn’t matter a ton, does it?

That being said, there are a a few things I need to get out in this post, but to prevent it from being entirely incoherent, I will make a few subsections for each part of the whole. Here we go.

Keeping Up

I’m pretty sure all my readers and subscribers are well aware that I am chronically ill, since, you know, that’s the whole point of my blog and YouTube channel. When I first started I was so adamant about keeping a schedule and doing videos that would always come out at the same time and so on in order to keep myself consistent and motivated. However, I found out very quickly that chronic illness and depression don’t give a single fuck about consistency.

I do not write or film for fame or money. I do it because I am passionate about it, I truly love it, and most of all, I love that it is helping people to relate to someone who suffers as they do. My driving force always has been and forever will be to create in order to not only make myself happy, but to make others happy as well. Since that is my goal, on the days when my physical illnesses or my depression and anxiety do not allow me to create as I wish, I listen to it. Not because I am not fighting back, because holy shit, I am fighting harder than I thought I could.

I listen because I am a very transparent person, and I have intentionally pushed myself to keep that transparency in my blogs and videos. Since I’ve done that, it means that if my heart is not in my content, it will be obvious. While I was hoping I could create a steady flow of videos once a week while I write, the fact is that if I have tons of posts and videos that are uninspired, they’re not much better than emptiness. This scares me because I am told that a constant flow of content is the key to success and reaching as many people as I dream of, but I just can’t bring myself to create for any other reason besides the fact that I simply want to.

I’ve spoken to quite a few of my followers (though I always hope to talk to more) and they are such beautiful and strong people. People like that deserve to receive from me only my most sincere work. Not always best, maybe, because I have a lot to learn about my passions. I can’t promise perfectly formatted blog posts or flawlessly edited videos. But I will always promise you my most sincere and genuine self. I am truly sorry that I can’t be as steady as others in these crafts and that I guarantee I will sometimes have to say, “I was going to make something, but now I can’t, and it is postponed.” But the thing about chronic illness is that at a certain point, I just don’t have much of a choice. For lack of eloquence, I will always be my illness’ bitch; at least a little bit.

Stuck Ideas

I have so many drafts of blog posts it’s absurd. As I said before, I am a very transparent person; this isn’t totally my choice but it is how I am, so I try to embrace it. Even still, there are some subjects that I want to speak on that I just can’t. When I try to write about Father’s Day, Alzheimer’s, my grandmother, and many, many other subjects, I start out strong thinking that it will all come pouring out of me as most words do, then halfway through I’m stumped. I have been told my entire life by 90% of everyone I’ve met that I talk too much and that I’m the queen of TMI (Too Much Information). But somehow there is still so much that I struggle to express, and it drives me insane.

It feels like I am in a mental purgatory, caught between wanting to express a certain subject, yet not having the ability for whatever reason it is to write it out. I just feel like…

7ef7a85f0a9573dcd3857450e21245e7

General oflkelrkwlkrwlkw;rwlr;wkrw;gmew;jgwkrkwr;

In general, I am just so fucking frustrated with my entire life at the moment, and I am trying to THINK POSITIVE and BE HOPEFUL and be all those other phrases that people love shoving down my throat. While I know their hearts are in the right place, I kind of want to kick people in the face when I’m being told cliche phrases. Having a positive attitude does help. Having hope is valuable. I have written about this concept, so yes, I understand where people are coming from. I’m also in a bad mood so I may be a bit more of an asshole than normal. But when a person is in immense physical and mental pain and is struggling with every aspect of their lives as I am at the moment, these generalized and watered down notes do. Not. Help. At. All.

I don’t know what the point of this post is, to be honest. I think I became so frustrated trying to write on other specific subjects that I just needed a post where I could explode and rant and ramble. Also pretty sure that 99% of this was just an excuse to use that Jigglypuff picture.

Lately it has been common for me to not have the right words to say, because I am so stressed out that it feels like my brain is melting a little. But one thing I know I can always say, no matter what, is that I am so thankful to those that read my posts, watch my videos, and encourage me to keep going when I feel as if I am Dante fighting my way through hell itself.

I’m so tired of feeling sick, upset, angry, lost, and pain ridden. I am so done with feeling as if the entire universe is bearing down on me. I’m so tired of being scared and financially fucked. I’m tired of fearing for my future and being scared for my grandmother who is literally being driven insane while there is nothing I can do about it at all. I am constantly aggravated and more anxious than ever, always on the verge on a panic attack. I constantly have full blown panic attacks. This is not being helped at all by the fact that I can no longer afford any medical help including pain management which was the only thing to keep me kind of sane. I always feel thirsty and never seem to have enough water in my cup, though I’ve been told countless times this is because I am chronically ill and absorb water like a sponge. My head, jaw, neck, shoulders, spine, back, hips, abdomen, arms, and legs hurt non stop. I feel like I am spiraling and it is terrifying yet I am trying so very hard to hold on.

Please know that I am trying my hardest to fight back every one of my hardships. I don’t know why, but right now I just really need people to know and affirm that. I’m trying so fucking hard. It feels like I am losing a thousand fights, and I’m battered and worn.

But for some reason I just keep going.

love us as we are, see us and we’re holy.
in this shall we shall ever be,
wholly ourselves.
your love will take us far,
praise us and we’ll show you.
from heaven to the glory holes,
glorious and free.

~Erin Mckeown – The Queer Gospel (heard on the Welcome to Nightvale podcast)

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s