Dear wonderful readers,
Before I begin I would first like to point out how thankful I am for those of you who read my blog. Whether you are subscribed or just passing through, I am grateful for those people that take the time to read what I so passionately type out throughout my life. I know in the land of the internet that even getting a thousand hits on a blog is minuscule; however, when I look at my counter and see five views or one comment, I’m ecstatic! So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my brain, and from all my other organs that take part in creating the person that is me, thank you. Now that my sincerity is out of the way, because that’s obviously lame, back to being a sarcastic little asshole!
The last few days of my life have been even more wild than usual which is definitely saying something for me. Here is how it all went down.
Friday I was in Urgent Care all day which I wrote about already, so I won’t go into detail again, though I will say once more that it sucked massively. If you would like to know why, you can read about that here.
Saturday I was still beyond exhausted and in a great deal of pain, so I was miserable. I was trying to rest as much as possible because that night we had planned to go to the Mirth Week show at UMSL, which I had been looking forward since my favorite comedian/one of my favorite people in general, Bo Burnham, was performing. I have been a huge fan of his since I was 18, and now he was coming to my city. MY CITY, YOU GUYS. As if I wasn’t thrilled enough, one of my darling friends (who was also working for this show and was the reason I could actually afford to go) txted the morning of saying she had a surprise. Turns out, not only was I able to go see the show, but that she would take me back stage to MEET Bo Burnham.
Naturally, whenever something good happens my composure takes off to the moon, leaving my anxiety and I here on Earth to fight. “You’re going to get even more sick and you’re not going to make it through the night to meet one of your favorite artists,” anxiety says, while I reply, “no no, nothing bad is going to happen, it’s going to be fine! IT’S GOING TO BE FINE!” Though I was in pain, grumpy and sick all day Saturday, I miraculously did make it through the show and to the meet and greet afterwards where I got to be face to face with one of my top ten favorite human beings.
Believe it or not, people have actually described me as, “cool,” “charming,” and “nice to talk to.” I was hoping that the side of me that deserves those adjectives would come out when it was my turn to greet Bo. I wanted to tell him how much he has impacted the way I think and the way I try to articulate my emotions so that I can create something out of them. I wanted to say how much I appreciated that he is as genuine as possible, and compromises as little as he can while still being talented, artistic, and adored by millions of people. I wanted hug him and tell him, “thank you for being all that you are. I know you aren’t perfect, and I know I barely know you aside from your art, but goddammit, you’re fucking amazing. I want to be like you when I grow up (he’s younger than me by a year but whatever!)
Instead what came out was the mousy, terrified, awkward and bumbling side of me. Instead of acting like an adulty adult, I was closer to a child at Christmas who really does want to meet Santa but whose emotions are way too large for their tiny body. I bumbled out something about creepily watching him on YouTube and how I was trying to not explode, and he was very kind, but I am pretty sure he is going to have a restraining order now set against me. Neat.
After I was turned inside out by that wonderful yet terrifying night, Sunday came around which was far less intense. Still sick yet filled with antibiotics, I went through the normal Sunday ritual of laundry and grocery shopping. Somewhere in the middle I unfortunately had to quit the job I was supposed to start last week. Between my health and scheduling issues that were on the company’s side, it just didn’t seem to line up. I was incredibly bummed since I am more than desperate for work, but some things just don’t work out.
BUT THEN: Not two days after, on Tuesday, I received a call from a place I interviewed several months ago, asking me if I still wanted the position. At first, my anxiety screamed, “something new? NO! DON’T DO IT! HIDE AT HOME!” Thankfully, I asked the opinion of a few friends who all encouraged me to at least give it an honest try, and I am so glad I did. While it will still be difficult for me, this job will be much easier for me to handle than the previous one, the hours are steady, and the environment is awesome. It doesn’t pay much at all and is only part time, but it’s something, and often times little somethings can lead to fantastic big impacts. The anxiety monster has a way of coercing me into giving in to my fear, but I am pleased that this time, I used everything in me to fight back. It was worth it.
While I am still sick, still dangerously broke, still everything both positive and negative, these few good events have significantly improved my mood from “utterly hopeless” to “only sort of hopeless.” That’s a big deal; trust me. The reason it hasn’t improved even more is due to a doctor’s appointment I had Monday with a rheumatologist, who was a great doctor, but who was worried that I may have something called Hereditary Ankylosing Spondylitis. I don’t know much about it as I am now forbidden from Googling anything I am not officially diagnosed with, as doing so induces panic attacks, but I do know it definitely doesn’t sound good, and as I wrote in my previous post, I am really, reaaaally sick of being diagnosed with illnesses, diseases, disorders, syndromes, and all other stupid maladies that can happen to a human body. But it isn’t official yet, so I will try to not worry too much (hahahahahaha. That’s a good joke).
Back to good news; soon I will be starting a new adventure that I hope you will all join me on. I am not going to tell you what it is just yet, but rather show you in a few days. However, I am very excited, and am hoping that this new awesome project will be the catalyst to even better ones.
Stay tuned! Or, I mean, don’t…I probably won’t know either way because this is the internet, but I am an definitely hoping you do.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff. Also, it’s all small stuff.”
~Chris Hardwick’s Dad, Billy Hardwick