Time Out! Change, Anxiety, and Other Stuff.

Forgive me internet, for I am an accidental asshole.

The problem with being an accidental asshole is that even if you didn’t do whatever stupid thing you did on purpose, it still has repercussions. And you have to deal with those whether you like it or not. I am a firm believer in keeping my integrity intact, which unfortunately entails saying “I fucked up” more often than most people would like to. However, the good news is that after the initial stab to the ego, once I admit I made a mistake, I can start to fix it.

When I first created this blog I had such a strong purpose. I wanted to connect with others like me. I don’t particularly want to get famous; I just have this intense drive and passion for connecting with humans. Considering the internet is the largest community in the world, I believe it’s a fantastic place to start my journey of discovery and connection. That was the idea, anyway.

What actually ended up happening, partly because I don’t know what to do with myself, partly because I have anxiety, and partly because of depression, instead of actively connecting with people and growing, I sort of got into the cycle of just writing something (something meaningful to me, mind you, not just anything), throwing it out into the electric ether, and then running to cower under my blankets for fear of rejection, or even worse, invisibility. Then a few days go by, nothing changes, and I am surprised and upset that I haven’t found ten new people to connect with.

Then, yesterday, I had an epiphany; there’s a good chance that the reason I have not created a community like I so desire is because I actually put little effort into it. I follow some pretty amazing people here on WordPress, yet I rarely interact with them. I read their posts, but even when I think they are doing incredible things, I do nothing. I. DO. NOTHING. I didn’t realize I was doing nothing, but I am, and I’m an asshole for that, and I am terribly sorry. And the worst part is I actually believed that I was putting a ton of effort into what I wanted. But the truth is, everything feels like a ton of effort when you’re chronically depressed and chronically in pain.

I am going to try my absolute hardest become more active, and put myself out there more. This idea terrifies me to my core, because the internet can be a frightening place. But it can also be a catalyst for beautiful, incredible ideas to bloom, and I’m hoping that taking the risk won’t be easy, but will be worth it. As I said in my last post, I have failed quite a bit in the last year or so, and I’m sure executing this plan will bring many experiences, and plenty more failure. I’m not okay with that, but I will have to learn to be if I want to get anywhere.

As I said before, I have a little idea. I want to create a community of people who are trying their best to fight through this life. This blog is not just a Celiac blog, or a depression blog, an anxiety blog, or a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome blog. It’s a LIFE blog. Whether a person has more illnesses than me that I’ve never even heard of, or is the healthiest person on the planet but loves someone who suffers physically, mentally, or both, I want us to all come together. Even if a person don’t fall into any of those categories but they are interested in them, I want them here too. I truly want to just create a safe, spectacular community where people can rest assured that they are not alone in their struggle. We are constantly battling, you guys. We are in a constant war between everything inside of us and everything that surrounds us. That fight is incredibly hard and often discouraging. But we do not have to do it alone. I believe in this. I believe it can happen.

To anyone who has read or commented on any of my posts, ever, I appreciate you and I thank you sincerely. I am sorry if I have not reciprocated; I swear to you that my actions were out of ignorance, not apathy, and I am going to put everything I’ve got into putting all this empathy and passion that’s always bubbling inside of me to good use.

Lastly, a special shout out to Elizabetcetera, who comments on my posts with such wonderful insight and thought. I appreciate you, dear friend, and I think you’re the neatest.

Here’s to the end of one of the more negative times of my life, and to hopefully, the incredible and challenging beginning of the next one.

Ellie has leveled up! 

+1 strength.

+1 intelligence.

+2 balls.

READY?
FIGHT!

 

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4 thoughts on “Time Out! Change, Anxiety, and Other Stuff.

  1. How did you know I would read this? 🙂

    Your post really touched me today and that’s well BEFORE you mentioned me. I’ve very serious. I just needed to read this and one other particular post today. I’m going to share her name so you can follow her too if you aren’t already.

    Here’s her link: https://riseofthephoenixblog.wordpress.com

    We all shouldn’t be alone. I come alive when I read these posts and your thoughts are like ones I’ve had. I might not be in the abyss of a depression, but mind you, I’ve had my sh*tty and down moments for sure.

    We all have our own struggles and the stuff that wouldn’t bother you, might bother me and vice versa. I think deep down we all really want to be liked, but not simply liked but accepted and understood for who we are. And sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves, but yet expect people (either consciously or unconsciously) to understand us … or at least show us an effort they are trying.

    My biggest stresses right now are my boss … I have gone to therapy over her. She is currently gone on vacation for 3 weeks and I’m so happy I’m beside myself. I find myself humming and being happy when I come home … not wanting to get a glass of wine and numb out in front of the TV. But you see, it’s really what’s in my mind — I KNOW — and I’m allowing her to have that power over my happiness.

    Some people say just snap out of it, don’t let someone make you feel that way, you make your happiness and yada yada yada. Yeah, easier said than done.

    I’m so glad I found you and I don’t even know how I found you … or you found me. But I want you to keep writing because I want to keep reading. And I totally understand if and when people don’t comment on my blog because it’s a HYSTERECTOMY BLOG and although sprinkled with my life thoughts, I never had expectations for anyone to comment unless they had or were going to have a hyst … and I’m sure you know it’s filled with cats too!

    I do have plans in the works for more of a “life blog” more like yours. Got the name picked out … just got to get it up and running. Reading blogs means so much to me. I never thought I could connect on blogs. It’s funny you do something thinking one thing and another thing happens.

    Like for instance, I went to Italy in September and I decided to speak some Spanish … well, lo and behold I was understood better than if I’d spoken English! Who knew?! My example of this is just that you try something and don’t even imagine what can happen, and some good surprises come your (our) way!

    How did you even think to blog? Did someone suggest it to you? Did you read an article about blogging? Are you a writer by nature?

    I got into blogging because I was in an online support group and I wrote A LOT. I created a lot of posts, I answered a lot of questions and a few members disclosed they had blogs … I read their blogs and then I had a surgery and made a blog around that … my surgery and healing pretty much ended well, BUT I wanted to keep on writing. My blog is in the works … I’m just so busy reading everyone else’s blogs and commenting that I’m not getting off my butt and creating!

    I don’t like that you’re sad and sometimes feel stuck. I get that so much. I hate that feeling of inertia and it just seems like nothing can shake it. Forcing yourself to have happy thoughts and repeat endless mantras doesn’t do it! Sh*t, I wish someone would just come exercise my body for me! Can you come do it!!! LOL! 😉

    Anyway, KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!

    ❤ Elizabeth

    PS: Sorry so long … just the way I am when I feel comfortable …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First and most importantly, PLEASE do not ever apologize for writing a long response. Responses like this make me absolutely ecstatic, and the fact that you are comfortable enough to tell me your opinions, your struggles, and your thoughts is an honor to me, never a burden.

      Secondly, I mostly just crossed my fingers and toes and hoped you’d read it, and I’m so glad you did!
      I’m happy that my post resonated with you, and thank you for sharing someone else’s. I am looking for more people to connect to on here and to read, so if you find someone who you think is awesome, feel free to share with me, I welcome it!

      Your situation with your boss sounds positively dreadful. Isn’t it amazing how a single person can create either complete joy or horrible disruption in your life? When people say “get over it” or “don’t let it get to you,” I think that’s largely due to our culture. Most cultures look down on the show of emotion and see it as a sign of weakness; I believe that the strongest thing a person can do is to be genuine and honest about their emotions. Those people that constantly say “I don’t let it get to me” are almost always lying. They aren’t dealing with their emotions at all. They are simply repressing them because we’re told that’s the right thing to do, but I guarantee you, they still feel it. And then there are others who say “don’t be so sensitive” or “grow a thicker skin.” I don’t believe many people need a “thicker skin,” however I do believe MANY people need to be more kind and more empathic. I have certainly had my fair share of nasty bosses as well, and it’s a nightmare. I wish I had a way to solve that issue for you! If anything, just enjoy the bit of relief you have now while it lasts. It is true to an extent that you are partly letting her have power over you. A few years ago when I was talking to my mentor about my ex-boyfriend and how miserable he made me, he told me, “it’s true that he messed up and should have done what he did to you, but it’s your choice whether you let it destroy you and drive you crazy, or if you just let it go.” And he’s absolutely right. But again…easier said than done. And maybe other people just shouldn’t be assholes!

      I love how you said, “I think deep down we all really want to be liked, but not simply liked but accepted and understood for who we are.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. I find that this is a large problem I have in my own life. Many people often like me because I get along with most people quite easily. But often times whether it’s with friends, dating, or whatever else, it sometimes feels like I understand THEM and accept THEM, but they don’t understand me at all, and it’s very one way, which can leave me often feeling dissatisfied. When I do find people that don’t just like me for how I make THEM feel, but like me because they understand who I am at my core, I don’t think anything is better than that.

      As for your blog, I actually tried to follow you, but it said your blog was set to private, so I couldn’t! I assumed you purposely made it that way, but if you haven’t, you may want to check your settings. I had no idea that you also had a hysterectomy. I would love to read about it, if you are comfortable with that, of course. That particular surgery is a very difficult one to face, and I really like hearing other people’s experiences with it. If you do create another blog, please let me know and I’ll be your first fan! I seriously encourage you do it; you clearly are passionate about it, and again, while putting yourself out into the World Wide Web can be a little daunting, I think it can lead to incredible experiences, and maybe even change your life. Maybe not in massive ways, but even small changes can cause large impacts. That story about going to Italy is wonderful! That is such a beautiful example of how life works out sometimes in ways we may not always expect. I would love to hear more about that particular story, maybe you can blog about that as well?

      I do believe I am a writer by nature, and writing has always been a part of my life. I have a very long history with writing and it’s an equally long story to tell. I may just post about that next! In short, I was horrible at english when I was a child, slowly got better and better. I wrote tons of short stories and poems as a child, and then in high school began to write One Acts (short plays) and Monologues for my class and they would be performed in front of the whole school because my teacher loved them. Some of my favorite moments in my life contain the sense of pride and joy I felt when I saw MY writing being performed on stage! Then in college I wrote more and more, and got into the college literary magazines a few times, took writing classes and so on.

      The reason I started a personal blog was actually because when I would talk to people about my life, I was constantly told, “you should write a book or something. Your life is so complex and it’s interesting, and it would probably help a lot of people.” And so, after three years of being told that over and over, I finally started last year here on WordPress. I would eventually like to write a book, but I don’t think my writing skills are up to par for that just yet. But I am always trying to improve my writing capabilities. I would love to go back to school for English, but I unfortunately can’t afford it. I’m also planning to start a YouTube channel very soon that is linked to this blog. I wanted to be an actor most of my life, and then one day I just got burned out on it. Then I turned into a communications major, which I ended up loving far more, because when I gave speeches instead of a character, I was myself, and I was speaking my own words. I have an affinity for spoken word just as I do for writing, so I am hoping to make something of both!

      Your introduction into blogging sounds really amazing. I think online support groups can be true assets during someone’s struggle. I am so glad that you moved forward and kept writing, and I absolutely cannot wait to see what you create! While I definitely understand being caught up in discovering, I think both creation and discovery go hand in hand. Funny, we seem to be opposite in that regard; I got so caught up in writing that discovery always slipped my mind! I’m thankfully getting better at it now, though, at least so I hope. Unfortunately, I cannot come exercise for you because I’ve got the strength of a marshmallow! I completely understand how you feel stuck and a loss of control. I believe positive thinking can be useful, but certainly doesn’t fix everything like some ignorant people tend to believe.

      I will keep writing as long as you do, too! I am absolutely thrilled to have met you, Elizabeth! I think we can motivate each other’s creativity; when I get responses like yours, it makes me want to do more. And like I said, when you get that blog up and running, I’ll read every post!

      Good lord, this comment was like another blog post entirely! THANK YOU again for sharing so much with me, and taking the time to read my posts. Please, always feel free to speak with me! This is just the kid of thing I live for ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My “private” blog only has 3 posts … I haven’t written on it for years.

        My hysterectomy blog is: https://hysterectomy4dysmenorrhea.wordpress.com/the-journey-starts-here/

        Read as much or little as you like. This is my REAL blog. I will keep you posted when I get my new blog up and running.

        I LOVED reading your long comment back!

        Today I was today destroyed at work. I broke down and cried — so embarrassing, but I can’t help my emotions. My boss is gone until the end of Feb on vacation, but in her place remains her ever faithful sidekick that is making my life hell. She is our department tattletale, snitch or as I like to call her “the hall monitor”. I don’t know why I am letting a tech get to me when I am the one who is the nurse with professional degree, but it does.

        Two different people, (other nurses) who no longer worked there called her a bully. Neither nurse knew each other and I never put any words in their mouths — in fact, at the time I defended that tech! When I very first got this job I had a bad feeling about this tech, but we hit it off great for a very long time.

        I’m not sure what happened. I’m really not. She is the person who is super friendly to your face but rips many people unbeknownst to them behind their backs.

        My husband drills me and drills me not to let her get to me; he says she is purposefully pushing my buttons and I’m not standing up for myself. It’s not my nature to think quickly in my own defense. I can defend someone else in a heartbeat, but when it comes to myself, I freeze and not much comes out.

        Today when I came home, after listening to music as loud as my ears could stand and having the AC blasting to make more noise to drown out my non-stop thoughts, I was so physically tired that I took a nap for 2 hours after work. This is not like me. I love my job, but I can’t understand this person. I will describe her best as a 13-14 year-old boy mentality. She is a lesbian — I have NOTHING wrong with lesbian … on a side not, if it didn’t work out with men I was going to join the other team. But what I’m come to realize, is not that the other sex is better or more understanding — everyone in a relationship with have problems — same-sex couple are not immune.

        My boss has been friends with this person for almost 20 years and they share the same office space. She calls her “her adopted daughter”, so it’s not like I can go to my boss and talk about this difficult relationship. When I try to talk to the tech she says she doesn’t have time because she’s too busy at work. Legitimately we are busy at work.

        This is eating me alive because the rest of my life is very good. I have many positive things … many.

        I may do online counseling as recommended by another blogger friend … the one I recommended that you check out her blog and writings.

        Anyway, I don’t want to keep you here more … it’s late and I know we’ll stay in touch! 🙂

        Like

  2. I can’t wait to check out your hysterectomy blog, especially considering its a subject I’ve dealt with myself. Thank you for sharing it with me!
    I am so incredibly sorry you had such a hard time at work. Honestly the relationship between the boss and the hall monitor sounds awfully similar to that of my mom and brother. As my sister says, my mother tried to run our family like business, and she did not do a good job of even that. My brother was her minion and even now, at 33, he still is. It’s sad that others also have a problem with this person, but if anything you can take a bit of comfort in the fact that it isn’t JUST you. People who are two faced, in my opinion, are even worse than those who are obviously mean. At least you can avoid those ones; but two faced people who befriend you and then betray you are treacherous.
    I do believe as your husband says that she is certainly pushing your buttons, and while yes, you shouldn’t let it get to you, that’s not easily done. I totally understand how you say it’s not in your nature to defend yourself because I have always been the same way and it is beyond frustrating. My head will swarm with everything I could do or say in those situations long after they are gone.
    I think counseling may be a really good idea. If it won’t help you solve the problem it will at the very least give you an outlet so that it ISN’T eating you alive daily and may make your burden lighter. It is always astonishing to me how some adults act like teenagers. You are nurses, you would think people who take care of others especially would have more integrity!
    I really hope with an earnest heart that your situation improves in one way or anything. I don’t know you perfectly well, but from what I have witnessed of you, you really are a lovely human being. I hope you remind yourself on the days that feel like they are swallowing you whole.

    Like

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