Forgive me internet, for I am an accidental asshole.
The problem with being an accidental asshole is that even if you didn’t do whatever stupid thing you did on purpose, it still has repercussions. And you have to deal with those whether you like it or not. I am a firm believer in keeping my integrity intact, which unfortunately entails saying “I fucked up” more often than most people would like to. However, the good news is that after the initial stab to the ego, once I admit I made a mistake, I can start to fix it.
When I first created this blog I had such a strong purpose. I wanted to connect with others like me. I don’t particularly want to get famous; I just have this intense drive and passion for connecting with humans. Considering the internet is the largest community in the world, I believe it’s a fantastic place to start my journey of discovery and connection. That was the idea, anyway.
What actually ended up happening, partly because I don’t know what to do with myself, partly because I have anxiety, and partly because of depression, instead of actively connecting with people and growing, I sort of got into the cycle of just writing something (something meaningful to me, mind you, not just anything), throwing it out into the electric ether, and then running to cower under my blankets for fear of rejection, or even worse, invisibility. Then a few days go by, nothing changes, and I am surprised and upset that I haven’t found ten new people to connect with.
Then, yesterday, I had an epiphany; there’s a good chance that the reason I have not created a community like I so desire is because I actually put little effort into it. I follow some pretty amazing people here on WordPress, yet I rarely interact with them. I read their posts, but even when I think they are doing incredible things, I do nothing. I. DO. NOTHING. I didn’t realize I was doing nothing, but I am, and I’m an asshole for that, and I am terribly sorry. And the worst part is I actually believed that I was putting a ton of effort into what I wanted. But the truth is, everything feels like a ton of effort when you’re chronically depressed and chronically in pain.
I am going to try my absolute hardest become more active, and put myself out there more. This idea terrifies me to my core, because the internet can be a frightening place. But it can also be a catalyst for beautiful, incredible ideas to bloom, and I’m hoping that taking the risk won’t be easy, but will be worth it. As I said in my last post, I have failed quite a bit in the last year or so, and I’m sure executing this plan will bring many experiences, and plenty more failure. I’m not okay with that, but I will have to learn to be if I want to get anywhere.
As I said before, I have a little idea. I want to create a community of people who are trying their best to fight through this life. This blog is not just a Celiac blog, or a depression blog, an anxiety blog, or a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome blog. It’s a LIFE blog. Whether a person has more illnesses than me that I’ve never even heard of, or is the healthiest person on the planet but loves someone who suffers physically, mentally, or both, I want us to all come together. Even if a person don’t fall into any of those categories but they are interested in them, I want them here too. I truly want to just create a safe, spectacular community where people can rest assured that they are not alone in their struggle. We are constantly battling, you guys. We are in a constant war between everything inside of us and everything that surrounds us. That fight is incredibly hard and often discouraging. But we do not have to do it alone. I believe in this. I believe it can happen.
To anyone who has read or commented on any of my posts, ever, I appreciate you and I thank you sincerely. I am sorry if I have not reciprocated; I swear to you that my actions were out of ignorance, not apathy, and I am going to put everything I’ve got into putting all this empathy and passion that’s always bubbling inside of me to good use.
Lastly, a special shout out to Elizabetcetera, who comments on my posts with such wonderful insight and thought. I appreciate you, dear friend, and I think you’re the neatest.
Here’s to the end of one of the more negative times of my life, and to hopefully, the incredible and challenging beginning of the next one.
Ellie has leveled up!