Ellie Vs. Failure

Hello darlings.

My life has been even more disastrous than normal lately. Oh, how I wish I was exaggerating. Through all of it, one thing is for certain. I am heartbroken, and I feel like a total and complete failure. At everything. It seems that these days the art of being a properly functioning human is lost to me. I am a failure, you guys.

Feeling as if you’ve lost really fucking sucks. There is absolutely no sugar coating this simple fact. Failure isn’t just one feeling, either. It’s a bullshit cake made of several bullshit layers. When I fail, I don’t just feel like I lost. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, saddened, frustrated, angered, and a lot of other things that I’m really not super stoked about feeling to begin with. But as emotions generally work, we don’t always have a choice about how we feel them. They drag us, flailing and shrieking, through life. Emotions are bastards, really. And they control us all.

There is a YouTuber I have been inspired by named Olan Rogers. Olan is a writer, director, actor, business owner, ice cream float maker, and more. He inspires me because he does not have millions of fans. He does not do challenge videos or sponsors or any of the things that would bring him ridiculous amounts of fame and money. Not that doing that is a bad thing, I don’t look down on it at all; however, I greatly admire Olan for the fact that he never once has jeopardized his integrity, or has done something he did not feel would support his growth into the person he wants to become. By far, the most beautiful thing about Olan is that he is also, a failure. He has failed many, many times. And yes, he has also thankfully succeeded, which makes me elated, because if anyone has worked hard for success, it’s him.

He fairly recently made a short, genuine documentary letting his fans into his life, and all that opening his Soda Parlor entailed. I’ve watched this short film dozens of times, and every single time, it brings me to tears. The very first thing he says in the video is:

This year almost defeated me. I failed at everything I did. And I hoped to accomplish so much.

The heartbreak you hear in his voice is so painful and so sincere that it’s almost unsettling, because it is rare to find genuine people like this in the media. As he unravels his journey more, for a while, it doesn’t get much better. I won’t explain the rest, though; you can watch the short film here for yourself and find out how he becomes the Master Commander.

As I said before, failure really, really blows. I myself currently feel as if I can’t seem to get a hold on anything in my life, and that every single part of my life has severely malfunctioned, and some parts have been broken beyond repair. I am a very stubborn person, and I can’t quit easily. Yet the last eight months I find that the one thing I want to do more than anything else in the whole entire world is just finally give up. I honestly feel like I am not strong enough to face all the obstacles life has thrown at me, and I think that after years of dangling just on the edge of a cliff, I’ve finally fallen off.

Life is hard for many people. I understand very well that I am not the only person who suffers. When people compare my struggles to others, though, or tell me that “others have it worse,” I do not find it comforting. I find it absolutely fucking rage inducing. Minimizing another’s struggle, whether it be with your own problems or the general plight of the world, is not okay.

Yes, others have it worse. Others will also always have it better. When someone is feeling broken, like a failure, or entirely defeated, the last thing that helps is to say they should “get over it” or that “others have it worse.” I believe in gratefulness. I do not believe in douchebaggery. Many confuse the two, but really, it is simple. If you find someone is feeling broken, and you don’t know what to say, don’t say something really fucking ignorant. Just tell them that you love them and that you are thankful they trust you enough to express themselves. Believe me, as someone who doesn’t trust many people at all, I can tell you that when one entrusts you with the feelings that make them feel that they are drowning, that is not a burden. That is an honor.

I don’t know how I am going to fix my failed life. Olan kicked a glorious amount of ass, and if he can do it, I’m hoping I can as well. But I don’t have a plan. I don’t have anything but hope, really. But when all else fails, and my heart is screaming out that it can’t take this life anymore, if hope is all I have, then I will cling to it as much as I can until my fingers bleed.

I unfortunately do not have a positive “light at the end of the tunnel” ending for this post as I do for most of the ones I conjure up. I think this one was mostly for me to just acknowledge the fact that hey, I feel like complete shit right now. And that’s alright. While I’m not exactly all rainbows and dolphins right now, Olan Rogers will definitely bring light into your life, just as he has in mine. Good lord…I am such a fan of his this post almost sounds like a sponsorship for him. Unfortunately, I don’t think he knows I exist. That’s fine by me, because I’m mostly just glad I know he exists.

It’s kind of amazing how people you’ve never met in real life can have such a massive impact on your life. Personally, I only have a handful of famous people that I truly admire to that level, but they have had a giant part in making the person I am today.

I’d like to think that each of them has at one point or many points, failed brutally. Just like me.

Yeah, my girlfriend takes collect calls from the road.
And it doesn’t seem to matter that I’m lacking in the bulge.
She laughs at my dumb jokes when no one does.
She brings me mexican food from Sombrero’s just because.

And when I feel like giving up, like my world is falling down.
I show up at 3am, she’s still up watching Vacation, and I see her pretty face.
It takes me away to a better place and,

I know that everything, know that everything,

know that everything, everything’s gonna be fine.

~Josie – Blink-182, written about Mark Hoppus’ imaginary girlfriend that never actually existed. Not even a little bit.

 

 

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