Ellie Vs. A Short, Lucky Tangent

Why me?

Do you ask yourself that often? I certainly do.

Being someone with an extremely uncooperative body, I wonder, “why me,” several times a day. When I was younger, mainly due to being born into an extremely religious family, I became convinced that when something bad happened to me, it was because I was being punished for something wrong I did. As I got older, I got more and more sick, I felt even more pain, and my family situation got worse. My family constantly told me I was a burden, and that our family’s problems were my fault, and I believed that I ultimately got what was coming to me.

Now, as I have gotten older, I have realized that, whether a person is religious, spiritual, scientific, all of the above, or none of the above, one fact remains true for us all; there is a certain random chaos to this universe of ours that our religions, equations, and stories will never fully be able to explain. As humans it is our very nature to be curious, and I believe that being curious and learning constantly is the best way to live a life. However, no matter how many books you read, degrees you have, or churches you visit, you will never, ever, know everything about the universe and how it works. Part of it will always be a mystery.

As someone who is curious, stubborn, and never truly satisfied, this really fucking pisses me off.

And yet, getting older and having to fight my health as much as I have has also begun to teach me that there is a certain beauty in being able to say, “I don’t know.” Naturally, it’s always uncomfortable to not know the answer to something. Just the same, it feels really good to teach others about things, to be the smartest one in class, and to be right. But I don’t know the answer to every question I am asked, and I don’t pretend to. Slowly but surely, I am beginning to be okay with saying with confidence that I don’t know the answer, while also striving to constantly better myself and gain more knowledge.

I don’t know why young people get murdered on the way home from school. I don’t know why old men get carjacked and robbed in the city I live in, or why people are starving in my hometown. I don’t know why I have been sick my entire life, or why I’ve been made to withstand excruciating pain that many people never have to feel in their entire lives.

Likewise, I don’t know why some people who are the meanest, ugliest people are also millionaires with more power than any person should have, or why I have been blessed with being able to survive all I have gone through, or deserve an incredible boyfriend, a small group of fantastic friends, or a grandmother and sister who have unconditionally loved me through even their own painful experiences.

What I do know is that no one deserves pain, or to be robbed of their lives, or to starve, or to live day to day wondering how they’re going to survive. From a religious perspective, I don’t believe in the cruel God people have created. I don’t think the Creator (you can insert whichever one you are thinking of) is a jealous or vengeful god, or wants people to suffer. Scientifically, I don’t believe bad things have to happen to balance out the good, or in order for us to be grateful that good things exist. I really do believe that what has made me survive so many near death experiences, what made John Green a famous writer, or what made Green Day a famous band is of course hard work and resilience, but also part luck, which is the only word we have in English for the chaos of the universe that we cannot comprehend.

I could use a bit more luck in this particular time of my life. And I wish anyone reading this all the best of luck as well. I think most people could always use a little bit more. I am thankful for what I have been given, regardless of the reason. And I don’t think that despite the mistakes I have made and the bad things I have done, that I or anyone else deserves pain and suffering. This is not punishment. This is just simply life. A teacher that I greatly admire once said, “people always ask, ‘why me?’ but really, why not you?” That’s a very good point, isn’t it?

I wish I had more control over not only my life, but everyone else’s. I wish I could make everyone safe, healthy, happy and kind. Maybe there is a way to, and maybe it will come to me someday, either by luck or by my own doing,but most likely both.

I just don’t know, and I’m not sorry for not knowing , because no matter how much you’d like to tell yourself, while you may have your beliefs and opinions just as I do, in the end, you don’t know either. So how do we navigate what we don’t know? Well, it’s just my opinion, but I think it might be good to try to get through it all, together.

Get hot, get too close to the flame
Wild open space. Talk like an open book,
Sign me up.
Got no time to take a picture, I’ll remember someday,
All the chances we took.

We’re so close to something better left unknown.
We’re so close, to something better left unknown.
I can feel it in my bones.

Gimme sympathy, after all of this is gone.
Who would you rather be?
The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?
Oh seriously, you’re gonna make mistakes, you’re young.
Come on baby, play me something,
Like here comes the sun.

Gimme Sympathy – Metric

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