My life is literally a fucked up elevator. Figuratively speaking, of course.
It is very early in the morning, so if this doesn’t make any sense, forgive me. When I first woke up it was 2:34a.m, and I was more stoked about that then I should have been, but I suppose we should take those charming little things about life wherever we can get them.
Last week was a pretty rad week overall. Work was mostly a breeze, I got to see some friends, one of which I rarely ever get to see which was a wonderful unexpected thing to have happen, and my body was feeling good. The friend thing especially made me quite ecstatic, because he’s one of the people I am going to miss the most when I move. I am trying to see my friends as much as I can before I go, but some of my friends are extremely busy, which can make that plan a little hard to actually put into motion. On Saturday, I started packing for my move, and packed six entire boxes all by myself over the weekend, without any help. That’s saying quite a bit considering my shit health and my shit spine. It completely exhausted me, and I felt like I wanted to fall over by about 6p.m, but I was summoned to a game of Munchkin, which can never be denied. I stayed up until 3a.m with a group of friends I didn’t know too well, got to know them better, kicked some ass at Munchkin, and went home. Sunday I packed even more, wanted to fall over again, but promised a friend I’d watch Age of Ultron with him, and I was determined not to bail.
All of these things were pretty great for the most part. However, all those nice levels were either preceded or followed by some less than fun ones. I found out a person who I thought was my friend for years dislikes me intensely and has been excluding me from things for months, another friend was friend angry at me and still is, my spine gave up being a spine because of all the heavy lifting, my period came to destroy my body as always, and, to top it off, I broke down in tears during Age of Ultron. Crying during Age of Ultron? Really, Ellie? Yes, really. But hear me out. The reason I broke down was because,
***SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN AGE OF ULTRON AND DO NOT WANT ANYTHING SPOILED IGNORE THIS PART AND SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU SEE THE WORDS “YOU ARE SAFE.” I AM TRYING TO NOT BE THAT ONLINE ASSHOLE, BUT I AM BLOGGING ABOUT MY LIFE AND THIS IS SORT OF AN IMPORTANT PART OF IT. IT ISN’T REALLY A MAJOR PART OF THE MOVIE, BUT AGAIN. TRYING NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE HERE.**
in one part of the movie, Natasha Romanov, A.K.A Black Widow, and Bruce Banner, A.K.A The Hulk, are talking to each other in a room. Natasha wants to be with The Hulk in the romantic sort of way, but Bruce is all, “Oh noes I am teh Hulk and I am dangerous oh gawd you can’t like meh Natashuh,” but Natasha is all, “Broos But I still like yew pleez luv meh.” Why did they just turn into meme cats? No idea. Just roll with it. Anyway, at one point Bruce says that because of his genetic enhancement he cannot have children and there is no future with him. Natasha then states that neither can she, because when she was turned into a super-mega-hottie-spy, she was sterilized by the people that “created’ her. They never wanted her to have children, because children could be more important than the mission, and they simply can’t have that.
*********OKAY. YOU ARE SAFE*************
Aaaand that’s why I broke into tears. As I have talked about before, I am having a hysterectomy in June to have my uterus removed because of the excruciating pain it causes me.Sidenote: my surgery actually got approved! Hooray! I am so excited, when I got the news I was crying, for once, from happiness. Even if I were to keep my uterus, I still can’t have children, but since I have decided to have the surgery it has been a massive reminder of that fact. Then this movie comes around and forced the reminder into my brain even more so. I need to have the surgery, and I have not once reconsidered it since it is my greatest chance at a life far better than the one I have now, but it still is emotional for me.
The way I put it to my therapist was that the fact that I can’t have children was always a fact, but a very abstract one, and now it’s becoming more concrete. And that concrete idea feels like it is crushing my heart. I have a lot of goals in life, but one of my biggest ones was to always have children and a loving home. I know I still can have children, but not being able to have your own is really a hard situation to deal with. I suppose in a way I have never had to really, truly face it before, and now I am, what feels like mostly on my own. Thankfully, I was with one of my most wonderful friends, Michael, who knows what I am going through right now, and though I pulled myself together during the movie, when we got back to the car, this and everything else turned into a giant clusterfuck and destroyed my brain and I cried again, harder and with even more boogers.
My friend was incredibly supportive, which I am extremely thankful for. Since that part of Sunday, though, I am feeling a little numb. I guess I am going through a lot right now. Aside from dealing with normal life, and then dealing with my own personal version of normal life which includes a dysfunctional family and constant pain, I am preparing for life changing surgery, preparing for an interstate move, trying to figure out how I’ll pay for it all, still dealing with that stupid pile up from like two months ago, all while still trying to care of my job and my friends and all the emotional turmoil this is all causing me. So. I guess this whole numb/overwhelmed/grasping to stay alive feeling isn’t actually all that peculiar given my circumstances. I just feel like it is because I have been conditioned to not express myself, but that is another story for another time, because holy crap, I am sleepy.
I truly do believe that everyone’s lives are, figuratively speaking, literal elevators. We are always going in and out of them, soaring up to the higher levels or descending down into the lower ones. I think each elevator has a different speed, and depending on what your struggles and situations are that you must deal with, it can either drop you from level 50 to level 48, which isn’t too bad, or fuck you over and take you from level 50 to level 3. Personally, I feel like lately, my drops in the elevator have been pretty severe, and now I’m struggling to push a button at all.
I guess ultimately, the most important thing is to just get inside the elevator, rather than giving up and just staying on the same level for the rest of your life. Though they often cause us to go plunging down, they also send us high up, and missing the view from the highest places would certainly be a shame. Don’t let your elevator leave you behind. Even though it can be frightening, a step into the unknown, and a rough ride, at least the doors are always open. Open to what, I’m not sure, but there’s only way to find out for sure.
Here’s to going up.
Forget me, I’m tired of waiting.
Still underrated, but I’m finally awake.
Let us remember, life’s such a beautiful mistake.
It’s precious and fragile, sometimes more than we can take.
It’s stronger than fire, greater than all things men create.
And I don’t know what you want from me,
But I don’t want to be perfect anymore.