Ellie Vs. Becoming the Hulk

Hello dear friends,

I feel like a popped balloon. Why? Well, let me tell you.

There have been many good things happening in my life. But the good things are still big things, and big things are always a bit intimidating and stressful, no matter how fantastic they are. It’s like a wedding, or a big move, or creating an adventure park where there are real, live dinosaurs but then the dinosaurs all get out and wreak havoc and oh god, the velociraptors, and…
wait. I think I’m getting a little off topic. Uh..awkward.

Even though there are all those good things, there are still a lot of consistent bad things, like my heath and my dysfunctional family, all on top of the fact that despite being a very expressive and talkative person, I hold most of my emotions in. I come from an extremely temperamental family. I am constantly walking on eggshells…and no matter how careful I step, several always, always break, and my household quickly becomes hell. Instead of becoming like them, I decided long ago to avoid that at all costs, and I desperately try to be the opposite of them. However, as you’ll soon find out, I have discovered that holding everything in until you erupt is not exactly healthy, either.  Believe it or not, human lives cause a whole bunch of messy emotions, and balancing them all can be a hard task. Thankfully, we have our entire lives to figure out how to make it work.

The members of my family tend to have giant tantrums that usually include a lot of breaking, screaming, and cursing for well…everything. If they want pizza but there isn’t any in the house, if the dishwasher is loaded/unloaded, or for pretty much every time I breathe wrong. However, I’ve always been taught that while that is completely alright, I’m not allowed to even speak my mind, let alone cry, because if I do cry or yell for some silly reason like you know, feeling like there are razorblades in my spine because of my disease, I’m a selfish bitch who is a drama queen and doesn’t think about anyone but herself. I’m quite certain my life is what invented the phrase “double standard.” And it truly sucks.

That all being said, Thursday night I became so very overwhelmed by my past, present, and future that finally, for the first time in ten years or more, I snapped. I think my brother having his own tantrum right as I got home triggered me, because my main trigger for my anxiety is people yelling, but truthfully,my own breakdown has been a long time in the making.After listening to music for nearly two hours to try to calm myself, I threw my earphones across my room, and though I know that it was not the right thing to do, it felt fantastic. I then took to lashing out and making a mess in my room. My mother came barging through my door, and she started screaming at me, and then started to threaten that she would lock me away in a hospital if i didn’t “knock it off.”

*Sidenote: Since admitting I have anxiety and depression, my mother, instead of helping me, now usually just calls me crazy and uses it to threaten me. When I first admitted it to her, she told me that I had to get it together, otherwise I would be locked in a psych ward forever and would never get out. Now I’m not a psychologist, but I’m fairly sure that’s not quite the right way to help your child fight depression. Just a guess. 

I got even more angry, and she kept screaming, so I left. The problem was, I didn’t exactly know where to go, so I pulled over on the side of the road and while crying, txted several friends to see if I could go to any of them. Since it was late, most of my friends were asleep, but thankfully my friend Brian was awake and willing to help me through this big mess of mine.

Since his house is plagued with cat hair, and I am deathly allergic, we hung out in my car, and I cried. My face was a faucet. That’s  really hot, isn’t it? I was so angry, and so tired, and so everything a person could feel at once. I was angry that my family members are allowed to throw fits and break things constantly and no one says a word, but the first time I do, and I’m threatened. I was mad that my boyfriend was in a different state and not here to help me, and that when I called him, he yelled at me and told me I was no better than my family. I was exhausted from not sleeping because my allergy meds and anxiety keeps me up at night, I was enraged that my body always hurts, and I was all around fed up. And above all, I was extremely pissed off that my family has never made me feel like I mattered. I don’t have much of a temper at all…but I erupted, I exploded, and I destroyed. The destruction was, in reality, quite minimal. Just a few bottles and papers on the floor, some broken hair clips and a broken cork board frame. No broken glass, no holes in the walls. In my head though, I felt as if I had run a bulldozer through the whole block.

My friend Brian is one of the coolest people in the world. I have known him for nearly five years, but it was not until a few months ago that we actually became seriously close and opened up to each other quite a lot. Still, he sat with me as I cried and lamented, and he listened to me, but more than anything, he made me feel sane. He didn’t make me feel like I had done anything wrong, or that I was just some mentally disturbed thing. Instead, he treated me like a normal person who was just overly exhausted and who had finally been pushed to her limit, and that’s exactly what I was. I am so thankful he was there for me. I was beyond miserable and I felt incredibly broken. Everything welled up inside me that I had been holding in for so long, and it was painful, but he hugged me to keep me together, instead of bursting apart like I wanted to. Hugs are very good medicine, I must say.

For some reason, many human beings are under the impression that one person can do whatever they want to another, and the other should just take it all, and if the other person has enough and snaps and gets angry, that person is awful, or crazy, or overly sensitive. That idea is really fucking stupid. That is not a very articulate response, but it is the truest one. The reality of life is that all people have limits, and it is actually normal to break down once in a while and scream out, “hey, I’ve had enough!” Anger is a natural response that our brains have to let us know that we have limits and that we don’t like certain things. Even if someone throws something once in a while or slams a door, it’s okay. However, it is not okay to have that kind of response to every little thing like undone dishes or something small not going your way, and it sure as hell is definitely not alright to take out your anger on another person, whether you physically or mentally abuse them. There are ways to deal with anger that make it so your emotions don’t fester and poison your soul like they have done to me, but also so that you can be safe and healthy in expressing them. I just…have not figured those out yet. I hear this thing called the internet is useful for figuring things out. I should find one.

Now, after I have returned to my normal shade of pale olive instead of dark green, I am mostly tired, sad, and disappointed in the fact that my family’s reaction to blowing up for the first time since I don’t even know when was to call me crazy and threaten to send me to a hospital for it. They never even asked why I was upset. That is not at all fair, especially considering their tempers that they are always in denial of. My mother apologized the next morning and tried to force me to talk about what was bothering me, but I have learned that it is useless to talk to someone who does not listen. Sadly, this is how things have always been, and though I should be used to it, I still get upset about it. Naturally, I held it all in and said I was fine and that I’d talk to my counselor about it Monday. Thank God I have good friends and a counselor…because I don’t really feel fine.

As I said before, throwing things and causing a little destruction was not the right thing to do…but I don’t apologize for it, either. Every human being deserves to have a limit, and to say no when that line is being crossed. Even the Dalai Lama said in an interview in response to being asked, “So, you never get mad?” replied something along the lines of, I do get mad, and if someone never, ever gets mad, they are either from a different planet, or dead. Even the Dalai Lama gets mad, you guys. Even the Dalai Lama.

I have been extremely exhausted and my depression has enjoyed snacking on my brain. Doing even the smallest things is pretty hard, and I am in even more pain because my emotional pain is always reflected physically, lucky me. My family as always has been unhelpful as can be. However, my friends have been extremely supportive and kind to me, as well as wonderfully understanding. They all get the fact that I didn’t destroy my room because I wanted to be just like my family, or to prove a point, or to threaten anyone. I simply did it because I was pushed too far. Ideally, I could have found a better outlet to express that, but hey, I’m working on it. This experience has also made me realize that there’s a bit more anger from my past in me than I originally thought; but I can work on that too.The best way to do this whole human thing is to try to constantly learn new things. I’ve got a lot of learning to do.

Let me make it clear that I’ve never hurt a person or animal. I can’t imagine that, no matter how mad I get. I have to refrain from tears every time I accidentally crush a snail on a sidewalk. The problem is. though, I’d rather let my emotions eat at me, or break my own things, then risk saying something even a little mean to someone else like, “Hey, get the fuck over yourself, because worse things can happen in a person’s life then not having pizza for dinner”. My way of coping isn’t very healthy, and that habit also makes it so that while I know my limits, other people never hear them, so they think it is okay to treat me badly. Like all things, I believe there is a balance somewhere in there. I just have to find where, and it will take a lot of work. I really need to find an internet to help with this. I think they live in the Arctic.

So, what are the valuable lessons from this post?

  1. Suppression of emotions for an extended period of time leads to turning into a giant angry broccoli monster.
  2. While it feels good to throw things and scream, there are probably better ways to deal with anger and frustration.
  3. It’s okay to be angry and frustrated when things get to be too much. It’s a normal reaction to life sometimes sucking much more than it should.
  4. Velociraptors are never your friends. Never.
  5. The internet lives in the arctic, is black and white, and waddles. No wait. Those are penguins. Whatever.

And lastly, my favorite –

6.   Punk/pop-punk music is great medicine for me when I feel angry. It wasn’t enough this time, but usually it is. Music and   hugs are the best medicine…aside from, you know, medicine.

Cut the crap ’cause you’re screaming in my ear,
And you’re taking up all of the space.
You’re really testing my patience again,
And I’d rather get punched in the face.
You’re getting on my every last nerve.
Everything you’ve said I’ve already heard.

I’m sick to death of your every last breath,
And I don’t give a fuck anyway!

-Let Yourself Go- Green Day


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