Dear those looking at this with your eyeballs, (and ones looking at this with something else, I don’t discriminate),
My life has had quite a few technical difficulties this week, and these difficulties have been, well…difficult. It’s all left me exhausted, shaky and anxious, as well has more depressed than usual. When my depression takes over, it’s hard to do anything, including write, but I am trying to not let the little cloud over my brain dictate my life. So, this morning, while the cloud was saying, “Stay in bed, hide under the blankets,” my brain said, “No. Get up, do things, and it will make you feel good.” So here I am, doing things.
In the grand scheme of my situation, my life has actually got two really wonderful, life changing things coming up. However, the journey getting me to the wonderful part is terribly hard, and one is not guaranteed…though I guess that’s how life generally works out, isn’t it?
As I have said before, I desperately need a hysterectomy, because my periods drag me into hell and show no mercy. The pain I deal with is excruciating, to ridiculous levels. I can’t work, eat, walk, or function when they come; and they come whenever they wish, following no pattern at all. My periods have left me terrified of my own body, and that makes my anxiety worse than it already is. I have good insurance right now, all my doctors support it, and my friends and family do as well…except for my mother. Since I live with her, I am apparently also owned by her, and she decided early on that having a hysterectomy was not my choice and that I was not allowed to do it, even though I’d pay for it. I thought of just having it anyway, but recovering at home would be a nightmare, and she would make me miserable. So, I was stuck.
Then, the other day, I one of my friends gave me a grand miracle.
My friend is just a bit older than I am. Both she and her mother also had hysterectomies. After talking to her in depth about it, she offered to allow me to have the surgery, then recover in her spare bedroom that she normally rents out to people who travel through our city. I was so stunned by her kindness, and because of my independent (or stubborn, as most people like to say) attitude, my first reaction was to refuse. There’s no way I could ask for something so huge, and I have very little to give back. However, it clicked in my head that at this moment, I truly need help. I am chronically ill, I don’t have a lot of money, and if I were to not take this chance that my dear friend gifted me, I would have to wait much longer before I could get a different insurance and the money to pay for the surgery, since I am moving out of state. So, I told the stubborn part of me to shut the hell up, and I said yes.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and she was so elated that I had been given this chance. I have so many health problems, crossing just one off the list would give me so much more freedom. The problem, however, lay in my age. Because I am 24, and not over 40, this particular doctor is not allowed to perform the surgery. Instead, I would have to go to an academic hospital, and have them do it. This makes no sense to me, and frankly makes me extremely angry, being treated like I don’t have the power to dictate what happens to my own body, but if that is what I have to do, then I will do it. So, I called the other hospital, and after them running me around a bit, I finally got an appointment…in two weeks.
Normally I would not complain, since that is not too bad of a wait, but right now, it’s Ellie vs. A Ticking Clock. I am due to move in only four months, and I want so badly to have the surgery before I go, so that I can start my new life, rather than starting up then having to halt life once again to have a surgery. While I could move at a later date, I am not exactly happy where I live, and the thought of staying longer makes me cringe a little. As my boyfriend said, I have two very hard things to choose between. Stay in a place longer where I am miserable, but have a surgery that can change my life for the better, or move and be happier at home, but still be sick?
There is a chance that I will actually be able to have the surgery and still move on time, but I won’t know until two weeks from now, so I am currently just spiraling out of control and being an anxious little thing. I have to get everything lined up to work out; my friend’s place needs to be available, I have to be able to afford the surgery, it has to be enough time for me to recover before I get on a plane to Missouri, I have to pack and get a car mover at the right time, I have to put my one month’s notice in at work at the right time, and I have to make it so that I am well enough to go to my grandmother’s 90th birthday party while hiding the fact that I had surgery from my family. Then go to Missouri and start a whole new life. I’m…overwhelmed.
It’s not impossible for this to all work out, and I am really, really, REALLY hoping it does. I need to move, but I also need to be healthier. My superstition is making me nervous that just talking about it may jynx it. I think I can honestly say I have never wanted two things more badly in my entire life. Part of me is also extremely sad that I have to face such a big thing without the support of my family. I do feel alone in this, but I do have amazing friends and a boyfriend who, though is far away, is truly trying his best to be there for me as he can, while still trying to maintain his life and find us an apartment. I get pretty angry about the fact that the people who want to be there for me can’t be, and the people who can be there for me won’t be, due to their own choice. But, maybe instead of getting angry, I should be grateful for those who are supporting me. I like those people quite a lot.
Often in my life, things don’t work out how they should. Those negative parts of life are always so much easier to remember than all the times things do work out. But despite the negative being louder, my life hasn’t been total disappointment. There have been some situations that have worked out, and worked out well. For now, I will try to be patient, be positive, and be hopeful. I really, truly hope this is one of the things that does work out well.
Here’s to my future, and as always, to yours.
There’s the strangest excitement today
If you’re awake, then you’re welcome to hear
I got a gift and it blew me a way
From the far Eastern sea, straight to here
Oh God I feel like I’m in for it now
Its like the rush has gone straight to my brain
But my voice is as lonely as loud
As I whisper the joy of this pain