Ellie Vs. A Certain Kind of Tomorrow

Hello dear friends.

This one will be a shorter one than normal because I am exhausted beyond belief. I haven’t been sleeping well, mainly due to lots and lots of anxiety attacks about a few different things. I can write about that later. One thing at a time, right?

A while ago I wrote that after suffering a great deal due to constant attacks of pain in my abdomen, and being tested for all kinds of things, it was suggested that I may have a C1 deficiency, also known as Hereditary Angioedema. The disease is pretty scary, and one of the three main reasons I have been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately.

Tomorrow, I get to go to the doctor to see if I have the scary new disease, and if so, what I’m going to have to do to get it under control and improve my life. If I don’t have the disease, that will be good, but also terrible, because while I’ll be happy to not have to add another disease to my list quite yet, I will still not know what is causing my sickness. As I said before, in a lot of ways, I feel like I may not really win either way. However, I am trying to be positive. Currently failing at it, but I truly am trying.

I have had many tomorrows like this in my life. Tomorrows where I may or may not be diagnosed with something, where I have a daunting surgery or procedure that may or may not make me well, or where I go to a new place that may or may not help me. In a lot of ways, my tomorrows are much like the whole Schrodinger’s cat situation. I have two very big possibilities at the same time. Schrodinger’s cat may or may not be alive inside the box after being exposed to poison. Ellie may or may not have a new disease. We don’t know until we go to find out, whether it’s opening a box that has a potentially dead cat instead, or going to the hospital. Until we actually experience what happens, both possibilities exist at once.

I feel that this particular thing is something that everyone can relate to. For me, these tomorrows are mainly regarding my health, but everyone has those events in their lives, whether it is with their health, career, family, passion or anything else, really. We constantly face multiple possibilities at once, and the idea that whichever possibility we choose can change the entire course of our lives is a pretty frightening thing to think, isn’t it?

The only difference in my particular situation (as well as the cat’s, come to think of it) is that unlike most other situations in my life, I don’t actually have a choice to either get a disease or not. However, I still have both possibilities in front of me. In my opinion, that’s really twisted. Life is a real weirdo sometimes. But like I have said before, while I don’t have a choice about whether or not I get the disease, it’s entirely up to me how I react to either news.

I expect that one way or another, I will be disappointed tomorrow. I plan on coping by going to my favorite Gluten Free Bakery and eating all the things.

Well. Here’s to tomorrow. Wish me luck, or an alive cat. Actually please don’t wish me a cat…I’m very allergic. Just go with the luck.

I missed the last bus, I’ll take the next train
I try but you see, it’s hard to explain
I say the right things, but act the wrong way
I like it right here, but I cannot stay
I watch the TV; forget what I’m told
Well, I am too young, and they are too old
The joke is on you, this place is a zoo
“You’re right it’s true”

Hard to Explain – The Strokes

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